Q. What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A. Good question. We're still trying to figure out.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q. What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A. A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter].

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five - one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five - one to do it and four to criticize his fingering style.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five - one to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.

Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the noise.

Q. How late does the bagpipe band play?
A. Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig.

Q. Did you know the Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke?
A. The Scots haven't gotten it yet.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a terrorist?
A. Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end, to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.

Q. What does one bagpipe player never say to another?
A. "Hey man, what key's it in?"

Q. Where do you put a capo on a set of bagpipes?
A. Around the piper's neck.

Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard until I realized I was just strangling an ostrich.

The young Scotsman left his home in Scotland to study at an English university. After a month, his mother came to visit him in the residence hall where he was living with other students. "How do you find that English students, Donald," his mother asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such noisy people! The one in the room on that side keeps banging his head on the wall all night, and the one in the room on this side screams all night long." "Donald, how do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbors?" "I ignore them. I just mind my own business and keep playing my pipes."

Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late--someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. The guy says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.The first one walks up with a guitar. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays $50.  Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.  A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man said. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to have sex with it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off!!!!"

"I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig." - Alfred Hitchcock